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Following our 4 week stay in Hotel NICU, we packed our house and left from our 8 year home of Utah to Las Vegas for DR to start Dental School. Our lives looked something like this:
June 25 - LT was born.
July 19 - LT was released from the hospital.
July 22 to July 27 - We packed our house (or I should say DR packed our house).
July 29 - Closed on our house in Utah. DR and his family took off to Vegas.
July 31 - I had my 6-week follow up appt, then drove down to Vegas with LT and my mom.
Aug 1 to Aug 21 - DR, LT, and myself lived with DR's parents until we could move into our own place.
Aug 21 to Aug 30 - Moved into our new place.
Sept 3 to 6 - Dental School Orientation for DR, and I settle in to my new life as a SAHM.
When LT was born, I just wanted to have a quiet life and adjust to loving this new addition. Instead, I felt like we were non-stop and didn't feel like I could calm down enough to adapt into my life and really get to know LT. I was struggling.
When September came and we were finally in our new place, I had this moment when I was holding LT after a feeding. All these stories were running through my head of moments like this when new mother's looked at there little ones and felt incredible love, how this is such a miracle, blah blah blah.
Well... at that moment as I looked down at this beautiful 2 month old, all I thought was how I wanted to spike him into the ground as if he were a football and I had just made a touchdown in the game of life. But not in a good way. More like the football were a hot-potato and I needed to get rid of it (wow, too many metaphors). I felt complete loss.
This wasn't how I felt in the NICU. In the NICU he was this amazing treasure that was just barely out of grasp (seriously, what's with the metaphors??). I felt so much love for him. I would hold him and just dream of the day I would bring him home and life would be perfect. I had waited so long for this beautiful spirit to enter my life, why didn't everything feel perfect??
After about a month of feeling this way, one day in particular was very hard. LT was fluctuating on how much he was eating, and had just finished a crappy feeding. I suddenly had rushes of pain (like physical pain). I sat there thinking all the things you shouldn't think as a mom, my baby hates me, I hate him, I'll never get through this...
I handed him to DR, went in the other room, and cried. This was my low point. Then after some time, I got my act together, and remembered what I always do when I can't figure something out... I turned to Google. I started searching what I was feeling (this usually had a way of making me feel better when I find others in my situation). I was surprised to find I didn't have to look hard to find other mothers in very similar situations.
As I read stories of parents who had varying degrees of love and hate for their children, I (kind of sadly) started to feel a lot better. It then occurred to me that what I had been feeling may just be some postpartum depression, and maybe it wouldn't last forever. This didn't make it go away, but it did help me feel better and it gave me some ground to walk on. I was honest with DR with what I was feeling and he helped me keep perspective. No matter how I felt, I stayed focused on caring for LT. I worked to build a relationship with him. When my hormones started to balance, my sleep started to increase, and LT started to eat more (which eased a ton of stress), my life changed dramatically. Without even noticing it was happening, I feel madly in love with my beautiful baby.
So, why did I choose to share all this? Well first, I'm not ashamed, and I know that everything happens for a reason. While sometimes it's easy for me to wish LT was never in the NICU and wish I never had to experience the turmoils of mild postpartum, without these experiences I really don't think I would have appreciated the good. I wouldn't appreciate my night time cuddles as much, or give my brief thank you prayer every time LT finishes a bottle. Maybe I wouldn't have to work so hard at restraining myself from squeezing him to death (in a wonderful way) when he sleeps in my arms and lets out his little dream giggles. How sad would the world be without those things??
I share this for those who read this and think, "That's awful! How could you think that?" Well, if that's you, don't feel bad for me or my beautiful son. We're both good. If you're a parent and you never experienced this, consider it a blessing that you fell magically in love without tripping first. If you're not a parent yet, then I hope you never have to experience not knowing your child, but if you do I hope you give it some time and fall so hard in love you can't get up.
Lastly, I also share this because maybe someone out there is searching on Google, "Why do I hate my baby?" And maybe this blog will show up (yea, I know, I doubt it too), but maybe it will and they'll see they're not alone. For some it may only take a few weeks, or others a full year, but I pray we can all have the experience of rocking our baby to sleep, kiss them on the forehead and with watery eyes think, Yea you are the light in my stars.
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