The Story of Postpartum

I write this with the understanding that LT will not be reading this blog for a long time. By the the time he does, he will know that I am absolutely crazy about every part of him and he is the light in my stars. With that said, this is the story of how for a short time, he was a black hole.
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Following our 4 week stay in Hotel NICU, we packed our house and left from our 8 year home of Utah to Las Vegas for DR to start Dental School. Our lives looked something like this:
June 25 - LT was born.
July 19 - LT was released from the hospital.
July 22 to July 27 - We packed our house (or I should say DR packed our house).
July 29 - Closed on our house in Utah. DR and his family took off to Vegas.
July 31 - I had my 6-week follow up appt, then drove down to Vegas with LT and my mom.
Aug 1 to Aug 21 - DR, LT, and myself lived with DR's parents until we could move into our own place.
Aug 21 to Aug 30 - Moved into our new place.
Sept 3 to 6 - Dental School Orientation for DR, and I settle in to my new life as a SAHM.

When LT was born, I just wanted to have a quiet life and adjust to loving this new addition. Instead, I felt like we were non-stop and didn't feel like I could calm down enough to adapt into my life and really get to know LT. I was struggling.

When September came and we were finally in our new place, I had this moment when I was holding LT after a feeding. All these stories were running through my head of moments like this when new mother's looked at there little ones and felt incredible love, how this is such a miracle, blah blah blah.
Well... at that moment as I looked down at this beautiful 2 month old, all I thought was how I wanted to spike him into the ground as if he were a football and I had just made a touchdown in the game of life. But not in a good way. More like the football were a hot-potato and I needed to get rid of it (wow, too many metaphors). I felt complete loss.
This wasn't how I felt in the NICU. In the NICU he was this amazing treasure that was just barely out of grasp (seriously, what's with the metaphors??). I felt so much love for him. I would hold him and just dream of the day I would bring him home and life would be perfect. I had waited so long for this beautiful spirit to enter my life, why didn't everything feel perfect??

After about a month of feeling this way, one day in particular was very hard. LT was fluctuating on how much he was eating, and had just finished a crappy feeding. I suddenly had rushes of pain (like physical pain). I sat there thinking all the things you shouldn't think as a mom, my baby hates me, I hate him, I'll never get through this... 
I handed him to DR, went in the other room, and cried. This was my low point. Then after some time, I got my act together, and remembered what I always do when I can't figure something out... I turned to Google. I started searching what I was feeling (this usually had a way of making me feel better when I find others in my situation). I was surprised to find I didn't have to look hard to find other mothers in very similar situations.

As I read stories of parents who had varying degrees of love and hate for their children, I (kind of sadly) started to feel a lot better. It then occurred to me that what I had been feeling may just be some postpartum depression, and maybe it wouldn't last forever. This didn't make it go away, but it did help me feel better and it gave me some ground to walk on. I was honest with DR with what I was feeling and he helped me keep perspective. No matter how I felt, I stayed focused on caring for LT. I worked to build a relationship with him. When my hormones started to balance, my sleep started to increase, and LT started to eat more (which eased a ton of stress), my life changed dramatically. Without even noticing it was happening, I feel madly in love with my beautiful baby.

So, why did I choose to share all this? Well first, I'm not ashamed, and I know that everything happens for a reason. While sometimes it's easy for me to wish LT was never in the NICU and wish I never had to experience the turmoils of mild postpartum, without these experiences I really don't think I would have appreciated the good. I wouldn't appreciate my night time cuddles as much, or give my brief thank you prayer every time LT finishes a bottle. Maybe I wouldn't have to work so hard at restraining myself from squeezing him to death (in a wonderful way) when he sleeps in my arms and lets out his little dream giggles. How sad would the world be without those things??

I share this for those who read this and think, "That's awful! How could you think that?" Well, if that's you, don't feel bad for me or my beautiful son. We're both good. If you're a parent and you never experienced this, consider it a blessing that you fell magically in love without tripping first. If you're not a parent yet, then I hope you never have to experience not knowing your child, but if you do I hope you give it some time and fall so hard in love you can't get up.

Lastly, I also share this because maybe someone out there is searching on Google, "Why do I hate my baby?" And maybe this blog will show up (yea, I know, I doubt it too), but maybe it will and they'll see they're not alone. For some it may only take a few weeks, or others a full year, but I pray we can all have the experience of rocking our baby to sleep, kiss them on the forehead and with watery eyes think, Yea you are the light in my stars.

Thoughts on the NICU

Got his idea from Babycenter.com, and thought it was pretty funny.

You know you've been in the NICU for too long when --

"You try to turn the water on at home with your feet."

"You know how to run down the 'Cares' checklist like a champ."

"You know what 'Cares' are."

"You start dreaming you're a NICU nurse."

"Whenever you're hungry you start thinking what you're own 'readiness score' is."

"The nurses don't ask 'who are you here to see' before buzzing you in."

"You know the metric system better than the US system."

"36.5 Celcius just doesn't come fast enough."
"You're not concerned when the oxygen monitor is going off, as long as it says 'Low Quality'."
"You understand how to read your baby's charts, and check his 'orders' for the day as soon as you walk in."

I can't take credit for these... Thank you dharmabummer and Forum contributors from Babycenter.com.

"You hoard plastic bottles and labels for your milk."

"You think it's completely normal for complete strangers to walk in on you when you are topless and breasfeeding/pumping."

"You go home and hear bells ringing in your head."

"You know every nurse by name."

"You don't have to look at the clock to know when five minutes scrubbing time is up."
"You start correcting the nurses when they forget to do something."

Lt. Reid got moved to a twin bed so he could have the boppy pillow in the bed, and be elevated more. 

The monitoring system that goes off whenever his oxygen sensor moves off his foot. Luckily, it hasn't legitimately gone off from his oxygen being too low. 

The work of a true pumper. Pump, bottle, label... my routine every four hours., but I got it down to 15 minutes. 

Where I sit all day and my trusted pumper... I've never been so close to an inanimate object. 

The weight station. Used for nightly weighs and whenever we attempt breastfeeding.

The greatest baby in the world. 

The Story of Lt. Reid - Part 1

To get the full story of Lt. Reid coming into the world, it really needs to be broken into two parts (and possibly be quite lengthy):

Part 1 - Labor and Delivery

Part 2 - NICU and Recovery

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Part 1 - Labor and Delivery

It all really started to feel real come June 12, 2013. My parents drove across the country to get to Utah by June 12th, just in case Lt. Reid decided to make an early arrival. He was due June 16th, so we used the time from  June 12-16 to go shopping, finish setting up the house, etc. It was really nice. Then June 16th came...it stopped being nice. From June 16th to June 25th (9 days!!) I tried to distract myself with cleaning, watching Netflix, reading, then started to get desperate with organizing my iTunes music, digitizing paper utility bills, and eventually alphabetizing my shoes. I tried suggestions for inducing labor that ranged from marathon daily walks to eating eggplant parmesan. 

On Monday, June 24th I went in for my then weekly doctor's appointment, to disappointingly find out that I was dilated a whopping ONE centimeter! After much discussion, we decided to induce Wednesday, June 26th if he hadn't come by then. It was looking like that was going to be the big day. I went home excited at first, but then came what I didn't expect... fear. I wasn't scared of being a parent or the labor/delivery process, but suddenly I was terrified of being induced. I went to lay down, and found myself lost in my emotions. As I bawled my eyes out (in hindsight I think my loss of emotions was also tied to the fact that 12 hours from then I would be going into labor and I think my body was releasing a lot of hormones), I started begging that I would go into labor naturally and that everything would be okay.

Luckily, God listens to the prayers of overdue pregnant women and I awoke Tuesday, June 25th at 2am with a new feeling... contractions! I moved quickly through the initial labor process. I woke Dr. Reid up by 2:30am, and he started timing my contractions. I went from about 8 minutes apart to 5 minutes apart by 4am. Come about 9am they were jumping back and forth from 3 minutes apart to 5 minutes. We were convinced we would have the baby by noon. We called the midwives, and went down to the clinic to see if I was really progressing. I told the midwife not to tell me if I wasn't more than 4 centimeters, to my delight I was 6.5 centimeter. We were off to the hospital to have this baby.

By the time we got to the hospital at 12:00pm I was 8 centimeters! We were so excited. I had lost my ability to stay focused with hypnobabies, but was trying hard to deal with the pain. I found having Dr. Reid press on my shoulders and back, focusing on relaxing my stomach, and screaming $H*T! as loud as I could very helpful during this process. It was more intense than I could've imaged, but I was starting to feel confident I could handle it. Then something unfortunate happened... 5.5 hours passed by. By 5:30pm I was pretty sure I had gone insane. I felt I had lost my ability to control myself, stopped feeling any relief between contractions, and sadly I was still at 8 centimeters. Part of my cervix had appeared to attach itself to Lt. Reid's head, and I wasn't progressing. I was put on oxygen (which I hated, and became a battle between the nurse and I of ripping off the mask and her having to put it back on), and was told later Lt. Reid's heart rate was starting to decrease at this point and the nurses were working to get in contact with the on call doctor.

At this point I made the request for the second time to sweet Dr. Reid that I needed a break. I begged for an epidural. The fear in me worried he would look at me and say, "We talked about this...no." But to my surprise, he was actually tearing up. He later told me it was really hard to watch me go through that. They called in the anesthesiologist and I got an epidural and it was fantastic. I took a breathe when it kicked in and calmed myself back down to reality. After about 2 hours it was starting to wear off, just enough so I could feel the contractions again and be able to feel myself push. Lt. Reid's heart rate was continuing to fluctuate and the on call doctor was there now as well. They wanted to get Lt. Reid out. With a brief threat of forceps being used, I found the needed strength to push that baby out. It took about 20 minutes to push him out, and it was glorious.

When he was born I held him for a brief moment before he was brought over to the exam area. He was placed on oxygen and they started monitoring his breathing. I was an ecstatic mess and didn't realize at the time the somewhat serious-ness of the situation. I just wanted my baby back.

After a few minutes I got him back. All the nurses and doctors left, and we got about 10 minutes to ourselves as our new little family. After the much too short 10 minutes, a nurse came back to check on his breathing. He was still having some breathing problems. She wanted to take him to the nursery to get checked and put back on oxygen. Dr. Reid and I had already agreed that once Lt. Reid was born he would stay with him. So they all left, and suddenly I found myself left alone in a hospital room. The nurse was so calm when she left with Lt. Reid, I still wasn't too worried and figured within a few minutes I would be cuddled up with my new family once again. Sadly, that didn't happen quite as planned.

A nurse came back to get me after about 20 minutes, and I was wheelchaired to the nursery. Once there I was updated on the situation. With thousands of thoughts racing through my mind, and my emotions frenetic from everything that had gone on, I could barely follow the nurses and doctors explain what was going on. They explained Lt. Reid had a lung infection (later to be diagnosed with congenital pneumonia). They needed to keep him on oxygen, were going to move him to an incubator to maintain his temperature, and start him on antibiotics. I then went with the nurses to my hospital room, while Dr. Reid stayed with Lt. Reid for some other tests and x-rays. I didn't get to see Dr. or Lt. Reid for a few hours, when they were moved to our temporary new home... the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.

An Abstract on Patience

The process of parenthood has become a great test of patience for Dr. Reid and myself. As I sit "waiting" on Lt. Reid I've been evaluating the following Phases of patience thus far:

Phase 1 - "Hey, you should have a baby." 

As I mentioned in my previous post, our initial journey to the great adventure of parenthood started January 2010 (3 years, 5 months, 25 days before Lt.'s Birth Day). The hardest part of this phase was not knowing what we could do. There was "nothing wrong" and everything was "normal," so we worked on developing patience and enjoyed the phase we were in. At the time I didn't realize that this would be signs of things to come. 

Phase 2 - "Hey, I'm going to make you wait 9 months."

Phase 2 started in October 2012 when we found out Lt. Reid would be joining our family. While we waited the expected 9 months, we dreamed of June 16th to come. While everyone warned us not to get too focused on the "due date", we couldn't help it and planned our lives around that date. Having a date to focus on helped this phase go by pretty quick in hindsight.  

Phase 3 - "Just kidding suckers, wait 9 more days!"

Being overdue sucks! Not because I was uncomfortable, not because I couldn't sleep, not because I had to pee every time I re-positioned (those things were somewhat welcomed as I found them signs the end was near), but because after about day 5 I had positively convinced myself I was going to be pregnant forever.  

Jokes started to arise that Lt. Reid was going to test our patience as parents, and he would decide what time schedule he would follow. 

Phase 4 - "Hospitals are cool, let's chill here for a bit."

The jokes stopped being funny by Phase 4, as we realized Lt. Reid really was going to call all the shots. In a matter of minutes, he had completely wrapped the lives of six grown adults around his adorable pinky, and we (Dr. Reid, Mrs. Reid and respective parents) focused our attention on whatever he needed. 

And that brings us to where I am right now -- sitting in the NICU of a quaint Level 3 Neonatal Hospital, two weeks after Lt. Reid joined our family.... and we wait. We wait for Lt. Reid to eat, we wait for the lesson we are supposed to learn, we wait for the great day I can be sitting in my bed cuddled up next to Dr. and Lt. Reid, and we wait for Phase 5 when Lt. Reid will test our patience once again. ...  

The Story of Pregnancy

I've been trying to get myself to sit down and tell the story of my pregnancy for about 9 months now, and given that we're ONE WEEK (!!) from the due date, I figured I should get around to it.

Sparing the "too personal details" it all started in January 2010. Following a family Christmas vacation to Washington state, Dr. Reid and I decided we should make a change in our lives and begin the journey towards starting our eternal family. Little did we know, this "eternal family" would include getting our college degrees, buying cars, and traveling before it would include an actual baby.

After about two years we decided to make friends with an Infertility (or is it "Fertility") clinic and had some tests run. Ironically to our disappointment, everything came back normal. We decided to wait it out for a few more months, and see what happens. Then, come October 2012 I started noticing our "little bump", weird thing though it was growing in my shoulder (??). 

I noticed a bump on my collarbone and after a week, I made my way to our family doctor to get it checked out. The doctor didn't seem too worried, but recommended getting an x-ray. As a precautionary measure, he had me take a pregnancy test prior to the x-ray. So as I ever so gracefully peed in my cup and waited patiently for what I figured would be yet another negative test, I hear a nurse out in the hall say, "Just barely, but it's there." I started thinking, I wonder if maybe she's talking about the second oh so faint line on my test, which has previously refused to appear. I remembered not to get my hopes up, and waited another few minutes. The doctor then comes in holding a small white square announcing, "We're going to have to go without an x-ray." 

Despite my prior daydreams of getting a positive pregnancy test, shouting for joy and running to Dr. Reid with tears in my eyes, I instead laughed, shook my head no, and asked "Can we take another test?" The doctor confused asked, "Is that bad news?" I quickly responded, "No, that's great news! We've been trying for a few years now, and I just don't want to get my hopes up."

He laughs and offers for me to go to the hospital lab and get a blood test to confirm. I figure this is a great idea and head to the hospital. (As a side note, this is also a great way to spend $100 on a pregnancy test, in case you feel the Dollar Store ones are just too cheap). I get my blood tested and then go sit in the waiting room for the longest 30 minutes of my life, as I awaited results. At that point, I finally decided I should call Dr. Reid. After telling him what happened and that I was waiting in the hospital for results, and he explained his class schedule for the day, I figured he was wanting to meet up later. He then says, "What, no I'm five minutes a way, those classes aren't important."

He gets to the hospital and we await my phone to ring for the results. After about twenty minutes, I get a simple call:

"Hi, is Mrs. Reid there."

"Yes this is her."

"Hi Mrs. Reid, we got your test results back. You're pregnant."

"Thank you! Thanks for calling."

I look at Dr. Reid, I smile, and suddenly we feel... a little confused...

After years of sitting on my bathroom floor, waiting for my positive pregnancy test, it didn't seem real to be finding out this way. 

We hug, kiss, and decide we should go eat to celebrate. We buy the first purchase (little white onesies) and start letting it set in more.

From that day forward, it has only felt more real everyday. 

We heard the heartbeat in November, saw him for the first time and had the gender reveal in January, had his first fist bump with Dr. Reid in February, and we await our first kiss in June.

January 4, 2013

January 29, 2013

I'm happy to say that the pregnancy has been pretty amazing. At the risk of being hated by those who are stricken daily with pains, vomiting, and Braxton Hicks, I've felt pretty great for the majority of the past three trimesters. With the exception of getting sick for a few months during the first trimester, the second and third trimesters have been very smooth. I've been able to keep up a pretty mellow workout routine and eat good foods. Then at night I hang out while he summersaults in my stomach for awhile, and Dr. Reid continues to get his daily fist bump.  

This is our progression so far:

12 Weeks

16 Weeks

26 Weeks

29 Weeks

36 Weeks

Now we await the big day! We are delivering with midwives and have been preparing with Hypnobabies. I highly recommend both if you are interested in natural childbirth. 

Until next time...